WRITING: Gangsta Geriatric

Golf carts

Image via Wikipedia

 Without wasting too much time explaining something so silly, a friend and I were joking about the elderly in FL and I got this image in my head of an elderly version of the Beastie Boys rollin’ in a pimped out golf cart. What followed are lyrics to a hip hop tune worthy of The Lonely Island that should probably never get produced beyond this page.

Gangsta Geriatric

We rolled up to the buffet it was about four-thirty
My girl took out her teeth because she wanna get dirty

I told my bitty ‘no, this ain’t no time to start.”
‘Cause there ain’t no doors on my pimpin’ golf cart

I get my ass out the ride and I unfold Chuck’s walker
Larry need to take his pill and he’ll need a sip of water

So we swagger up the walk all sportin’ wicked gangsta lean
Cause you know we got bad hips and Larry’s breathing machine

Mah girlie hit the door first and she’s panting so hard
‘Cause it’s at least twelve steps to the door from the car.

Some youngin’ open the do’ wide ‘cause she showin’ some respect
And she know she gotta work to get a tip with my check.

The hostess looks my way and she smiles real wide
She ask me “Do you want your usual booth sweetie-pie?”

I give the girl the nod and tell my peeps to go ahead
But I make a right turn and hit the bathroom instead

I had take care of business ‘cause my trousers be saggin
Depends can only hold so much after a night of bottle-baggin’

To you it all seems so amazing but to me it’s automatic
Another day in the life of this gangsta geriatric

—======== Verse 2 ========—

Last night my bruthas and me all got a bit crazy
I know we did a bit of drinkin’ but the details is hazy

We sipped on forties of prune juice hangin’ in the park
We messed around so late that it almost got dark

Didn’t want to be out hootin’ when the kids came out to play
No whipper-snapper’s gonna ruin such a pimptastic day.

We stumbled back to the cart and swerved back to ‘the home’
I found my girl knittin an afghan, took her back to my room.

Where we sat and watched Trebek while the juice swam in my head
Then the nurse came and helped us both jump into bed.

My girlie started moanin’ right when the nurse turned out the light
And I knew that we’d be getting’ no sleep in this night.

So I pressed the call button and the nurse came back
And I said ‘Bitch help out my girl’, she got a pain in her back!”

You know that girl got busy ‘cause she don’ wanna make me mad
And ‘cause she think I look just a little bit like her dad

And ‘cause I let her go out and sell my ‘scriptions on the street
She makes herself a nice buck and cuts the rest all back to me

The cops all know she work for me so they don’t give her no static
Them pigs don’t wanna mess with THIS gangsta geriatric.


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